One of the things that happens in relationships that creates disconnection from each other is too much focus on what is irritating us about the other person — and letting them know. It’s important to feel safe enough and take the time to talk about what’s bothering us. It’s also important to let the other know what you appreciate. Having an attitude of looking for ways to be kind and appreciating the ways your partner is being kind can help shift the focus to a more positive one.
A poem by Hafiz about kindness, “As It Is in Heaven” touches me deeply. I occasionally share it with couples as something to remember and aspire to. I think if we woke up every day and thought about this as an intentional way to be with our partners — or with everyone really — our relationships would be more meaningful.
It happens all the time in Heaven,
And some day it will begin to happen
Again on Earth –
That men and women
Who give each other light,
Often will get down on their knees
And, with tears in their eyes,
Will sincerely speak, saying,
How can I be more loving to you,
How can I be more kind?”