If you recognize that you tend to be self-critical (as most of us are), changing that can address negative patterns in your relationship. It is easy to feel disappointed and disconnected with our partners and as a result become critical of our partners and consequently of ourselves. Kristen Neff describes why that happens:
“Because self-critics often come from unsupportive family backgrounds, they tend not to trust others and assume that those they care about will eventually try to hurt them. This creates a steady state of fear that causes problems in interpersonal interactions. For instance, research shows that highly self-critical people tend to be dissatisfied in their romantic relationships because they assume their partners are judging them as harshly as they judge themselves. The misperception of even fairly neutral statements as disparaging often leads to oversensitive reactions and unnecessary conflicts. This means that self-critics often undermine the closeness and supportiveness in relationships that they so desperately seek.” ― Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind
